What I Wish People Knew About Losing a Sibling
Our siblings are supposed to be there for our entire lives. We fight with them as kids, grow up together, and help each other raise families. They’re the ones who are supposed to celebrate milestones with us, become our best friends, and grow old by our side. But losing a sibling shatters that expectation.
I strongly believe both my sisters were sent here for me. We could talk about the wildest things and never feel judged. I was always close to them, but in 2022, everything changed.
It started when my youngest sister, Sondra, passed away. She had been battling psychosis for most of the year. After finally getting her into a treatment center, it felt like she was making a full recovery. She went from being non-verbal some days to screaming at invisible people other days. Then, suddenly, she was having full conversations again. It felt like I had my sister back.
But just six weeks later, she took her own life.
I had let off the gas. I thought she was okay. And even worse, my other sister, Lauren, had been there when Sondra “escaped” that night. She carried tremendous guilt over it.
Lauren and I became each other’s support system. We started waking up early to spend time together and help each other navigate grief. But the guilt never left her. It started to manifest physically.
In December 2023, Lauren was diagnosed with Stage 4B bladder cancer. By May 2024, she was gone. Just months of pain and chemo treatments, and then she was taken from me, too.
There’s so much I wish people understood about losing a sibling. Here are some of the biggest things I’ve learned.
1. People Don’t Always Acknowledge the Depth of the Loss
Losing a sibling isn’t always seen the same way as losing a parent or a child. But it’s just as devastating. It can feel like losing a part of your identity. Your entire past is filled with their memories, and you always imagined your future would be, too.
When they die, it’s not just grief—it’s the loss of the future you envisioned.
2. Grieving a Sibling Comes with Complicated Emotions
One thing I’ve learned in grief support groups is that no matter what, you will feel guilt.
With Sondra, I let off the gas. I wasn’t as present as I could have been after she finished treatment. I thought she was better. I will always feel guilty for not being there more.
With Lauren, I learned my lesson. I promised to be there the entire time, and I was. But that came with a different kind of guilt. I had to make many decisions about her care. Lauren trusted me to research the best treatments for her, and to this day, I second-guess every choice.
Should I have pushed her to see a doctor sooner? Should I have advised against treatment? What if I had done something differently?
Guilt is relentless when you’ve lost a sibling.
3. Life Events Feel Different Without Them
Holidays in our family were always chaotic. I miss the chaos. Now, everything is quiet—too quiet.
Birthdays, weddings, even everyday moments feel incomplete without them. And then there are the grief anniversaries—the days that hit harder than others. Whether it’s their birthday, the day they passed, or even a random Tuesday when memories flood back, these moments can be overwhelming.
If you’re struggling with this, here’s a helpful guide on How to Navigate Grief Anniversaries with step-by-step strategies to get through those tough days.
4. You Become Hyper-Aware of Time and Mortality
Now that both my sisters are gone, I feel this urgent need to live enough for all of us. Life is so much more fragile than I ever realized.
I no longer have the patience for people who don’t respect my time or bring negativity into my life. I also can’t ignore every little symptom my body has—I’ve become a bit of a hypochondriac. When you’ve watched two people you love die too soon, it’s hard not to worry that you could be next.
Losing a Sibling Changes You Forever
As painful as losing my sisters has been, I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They shaped who I am. They taught me lessons that will stay with me forever.
If you’ve lost a sibling, you’re not alone. Grief is messy, complicated, and never-ending—but it also means we loved deeply. And in the end, that’s what matters most.