“10 Proven Tricks to Effectively Handle Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in Children”

1) Repair Your Relationship First

One common characteristic of children with ODD is that they often enjoy getting under your skin and pushing your buttons. This can make it difficult to stay calm and positive, leading to arguments. Over time, this can harm your relationship. If you’re finding yourself stuck in this cycle, it’s not too late to fix it! A helpful rule of thumb is to aim for five positive interactions for every one negative one. With children with ODD, the balance can shift, and we may find ourselves focusing so much on “putting out fires” that we miss opportunities to praise positive behavior. One tool I used was to wear five rubber bands on my left wrist. Each time I noticed a positive behavior, I would compliment my son and move a rubber band to my right wrist. If I needed to correct a behavior, I’d move it back to the left wrist. By the end of the day, my goal was to have all five rubber bands on my right wrist. After doing this consistently for about three months, it became second nature, and I no longer needed the rubber bands. This simple practice not only helped rebuild our relationship but also trained my son to seek attention through positive behavior rather than negative ones.

2) Decide What Are Your Mountains and What Are Your Molehills

If you try to discipline your child for every minor infraction, you’ll exhaust yourself. Ask yourself, “If they did this as an adult, what would the consequence be?” If the consequence is serious, such as legal ramifications, then it’s likely worth addressing. If the consequence is minimal or nonexistent, it might be okay to let it go.

3) Decide What Your Boundaries Are and Enforce Them Consistently

I once witnessed my three-year-old son calmly tell another child, “If you throw a fit, we will have to leave.” This shows how boundaries should be clear and non-negotiable. Children need to understand that if A happens, then B will follow. When giving directions, use simple and clear language. For example, say, “If you throw a tantrum in the store, we have to leave.” Enforce the boundary immediately when it is breached. If you give in even once, the child learns that boundaries are flexible, making your job much harder in the long run.

4) Establish Consistent Routines

Children with ODD benefit from predictable routines. The more consistent you are, the more secure they will feel. When they know what to expect from you and from their environment, it can reduce anxiety and defiant behavior.

5) Reduce the Amount of Times You Tell Them What to Do

A hallmark sign of ODD is resistance to being told what to do. This can range from getting dressed to brushing their teeth. A helpful trick is to use a visual schedule that outlines tasks and includes a reward at the end. The quicker they complete their tasks, the more time they have for the reward. For younger children, using pictures to represent tasks works best, while older children may prefer a simple checklist.

6) Make Them Earn It

It’s easier to reward positive behavior than to punish negative behavior. At the start of each day, all rewards (including electronics) should be available, and as the child completes tasks from their visual schedule, rewards are earned. Positive reinforcement is key. Continuously reward desired behavior, and gradually, you’ll see more of it.

7) Set Predictable Routines

Children with ODD do best with consistency in daily activities, such as mealtimes, bedtime, and other routines. If a routine has to change, inform your child in advance. This helps manage their expectations and reduces resistance to change.

8) Give Them Control Where You Can (or at Least the Illusion of It)

ODD children often love power struggles. One effective way to prevent these is by giving them choices, but within limits. For example, offer a choice between a banana or yogurt for a snack—both acceptable to you. Don’t offer an open-ended choice, such as “What do you want?” because you may not want them to choose something like cookies.

9) Do Not Get into Power Struggles

Children with ODD are masters at baiting adults into arguments. The key is to avoid getting drawn into power struggles. One of my favorite phrases from Have a New Kid by Friday is: “Do it or don’t.” Say this calmly and walk away. You want to use a neutral tone and avoid being emotionally invested in the outcome. If they ask for something afterward, remind them that the desired outcome won’t happen until they fulfill the task. For example, if Johnny refuses to clean his room, you might say, “Do it or don’t,” and then later, when he asks to go to the movies, tell him, “I can take you, but first, clean your room.” If he chooses not to, let him. The point is that the consequences of his actions fall on him, not you.

10) Do Not Save Them

Natural consequences are often the best way to teach children with ODD. For instance, if your child refuses to wear their jacket, they’ll get cold. If they don’t eat their meal, they’ll go hungry. Try to make the consequence as close to the real-world outcome as possible. This approach is more effective than creating artificial punishments. While planned ignoring may be unpopular, when done appropriately, it can effectively curb attention-seeking behaviors like whining.