For my fellow emotional eaters….on my struggle with emotional and binge-eating (definitely dear diary status–lol)
I’m clairsentient…an empath. In other words, my primary way I take in my surroundings is through feeling. The women that are attracted to me as a resource are generally the same. We’re the types that can very easily sense how others are feeling (even if they are giving no visual cues) and cry while watching sappy commercials because we so easily tune to the energy of it. I absolutely hated it growing up. One because it was so overwhelming and two…I was always taught that negative emotions were “bad” and shouldn’t be expressed. My binge-eating disorder began when I was 5…I would use food to dull my ability to so deeply sense other people’s emotions (obviously I didn’t realize that was what I was doing at the time). I would also use it to stuff down the “bad” feelings I wasn’t “entitled” to have. As I grew older, I blocked my ability to sense energy the best I could as a defense mechanism. I just didn’t know how to manage it. And one of the easiest and quickest ways to block it was through food (though other people block it through excess work, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.). When I was stuffed, I couldn’t feel. When I started to feel “bad”, food was there to dull the pain. By the time I was away from home and in college, finally free from all family judgments of what I was eating, my eating disorder and rebellion was in full swing. I could put down 10,000 calories in one sitting if I felt the need to. Something that would probably make most people sick just watching. When I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about eating. I had so much shame around my relationship with food…which, ironically, made me eat more. The worst part was, I constantly blamed my lack of willpower as the reason why I couldn’t control myself around food…which made me eat even more to cope with the fact that I was “defective” and would never be able to control myself. It was such a vicious cycle.
As I learned how to properly manage my emotions and energetic sensitivity, I was able to heal my relationship with food (though I’m very much still learning during certain healing cycles). I could seriously write for days about what causes emotional eating and bingeing. From the energy/emotional side of things, to the chemicals in food, to the psychology aspect of rebellion…there’s a million reasons why people emotionally eat and binge. I just want to let you know if you struggle with this…YOU are NOT defective. It’s not about willpower or self-control like people who don’t understand what it’s like to be in your shoes [as a highly empathic person] want to tell you. It’s about getting present and honoring your gift and ability of sensing energy (even if it doesn’t seem like a gift).
I’m so excited to go on this 10 day silent meditation retreat…I know I’m going to learn so much about food issues and default tendencies in general that I will be able to share with others. I always wished that I would have had someone to explain that it wasn’t my lack of willpower or self-control that was the cause of my out of control behavior around food. But know that anything that you have to struggle with and “figure out” is so you can help others. I’m honored to be your teacher and student. I’ll catch you on the flip side in 11 days. xoxoxo